About two weeks ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop reading a book (Tim Ferriss' The Four Hour Work Week if you were curious) and a group of three rather attractive young women came in. After ordering and picking up their drinks, they walked by the couch I was sitting at to another table. As they passed, I noticed that they were looking at me. I glanced up, made eye contact with each of them, and smiled politely. A short while later, I received a call, set down my book, and went to an empty corner to take it. When I returned, I noticed they had gone. Later that night, I pulled the book from my bag, and a slip of paper fell out. It said this: "xxx-xxx-xxxx Call me :), Sam."
Without saying a word, an attractive woman who could have her pick from a number of guys had given me her phone number. I know what you're thinking, "Wow, that's interesting. That can't happen often." You'd be wrong. It's not the first time that I've been given a phone number by a woman, nor is it the first time that it's happened by her leaving it when I'm not there. But, it was the first time that it happened without my so much as saying "hi" beforehand. Now, I'll admit that I'm no Brad Pitt. I'm better looking than the average guy, but if I ever end up in the pages of GQ magazine, it won't be because of my looks. How did I do it then? How does an average looking guy get phone number without trying? The answer is pretty simple.
Let's get one thing straight. Get over the idea that getting a phone number is hard. It's easy. People who call themselves pickup artists pride themselves on the ability to get a phone number quickly. I once overheard a guy who thought he had skill say that he just got a number in under a minute. I ran into him a few days later and asked how that worked out for him. She didn't pick up the phone. Also, get over the idea that talking to beautiful women (or gorgeous guys) is difficult. If there's one thing I've learned in twenty five years of meeting famous people, beautiful people, and important people, it's this: they're the same people as anybody else. I've checked out Hooters girls with a NASCAR Sprint Cup star and taught art to a man who now plays professional hockey in Finland. They have the same fears, the same goals, and the same insecurities as you and I do.
In the world of social dynamics and pickup (the two are related, but separate terms) communities, there's a lot of talk about building a lifestyle that naturally attracts women. Some of the different courses and companies will teach you to cover up who you are, or to put the best "version" of yourself forward. It's a big load of crap. Building a lifestyle that naturally attracts women really boils down to three things. One is inner game, which is your inner psychology, emotional state, and relationship to the world through those. Another is outer game, which is quite simply how you talk to people. It's the social skills that your parents probably didn't teach you to develop. After so many years of being told "don't talk to strangers", it becomes very difficult to go out and do the opposite. The last part is appearance. I'm not talking about having the most expensive clothes, or being the best looking guy in the room. What's much more important is that you look like you give a damn about what you look like. It's about being comfortable in your own skin.
I like to address the inner game aspect of this with what I refer to as the three "selfs." I'll get into it further in a future post, but for know, it's enough to know that no matter who you are or what you think of yourself, you deserve a great mate. The other key to this part is to simply "be yourself". I know exactly what you're thinking. "Everybody says to be yourself, but it hasn't worked." Just because it hasn't worked yet doesn't mean that it can't work. What you're experiencing can most likely be described as a PR problem. Every person has interesting things about them. The secret is how to convey this information. If you're still having trouble understanding what I'm getting at, go back and read this post and do the exercise listed in the fourth bullet. Another great resource is a book from fellow Michigan Tech alum Hajj E. Flemings called The Brand YU Life. He does such an excellent job at teaching how to convey who you are (aka personal branding) that he's worked with the Detroit Lions and Fortune 500 companies alike.
The other major reason that "be yourself" has failed for so many people in the past is that they don't know who they are. I know exactly what you're thinking. "Bryan, I know exactly who I am." Do you? Every place you turn you're being told what to eat, what to wear, what to watch, what to listen to, where to move, what to do, how to spend your time, how to spend your money, and what you do or do not need to own. How much of what you think you know is you is actually preferences that have been programmed by years of advertisement exposure? How much is the real you and how much is the artificial you that you became when you were told that you weren't cool enough, weren't good enough, or weren't popular enough? "Know thyself" is about more than knowing what the mask that you wear when you go out into the world looks like. It's about looking deep inside, finding out what's really there, and owning it. I'm a big geek. I admit it and own it. In addition to the key chain multitool that I mentioned before, my key chain also consists of a black Lego brick, and a Lego Darth Vader. I own not only every Star Wars movie and the Back to the Future boxed set, but I also own every James Bond movie in cannon and the extended additions of The Lord of the Rings. It doesn't get a whole lot geekier than that.
We don't need to be less of ourselves, we need to be more of ourselves. Put who you are out there, unabashedly, and don't apologize. If somebody decides to show a low social value and make fun of you, just remember that people only make fun of other people when they're insecure about themselves. It has nothing to do with you.
So, how did I get that girl's phone number without saying a word? It was easy. I was myself. I didn't put forward any social mask that was incongruent with who I am. I didn't hide my personality in any way. I possessed and showed the three "selfs". I lived my life how I wanted and made no apologies to anybody.
There are two ways to go about getting to the point where I am. The first, is to put in the time and effort to develop all of the qualities that I've talked about today. But, I know what a lot of you are thinking. "Seriously, I don't have 6 months, or a year, or two years to put into that. I want results and I want them faster." Ok, no problem. There's just the thing for you. Remember a while back when I had a guest post from Scot McKay? Well, he just released a new program a few weeks ago called The Master Plan. Scot spent over two years developing the only comprehensive program of this kind in the world. If you want to be on the fast track to improving your social skills not just with meeting and attracting women, but in every aspect of your life, he's the guy to learn it from. I warn you. The program isn't right for everybody. I'm not trying to tell it to you. But it's worth the few minutes of your time to hop over to his website, read a few testimonials, and sign up for some free content. Read what he sends you and see if you like it. Then make your decision.
Come back for the next post, I'll be talking about the three "selfs" and how to leverage them to create the social life that your friends will envy