Tuesday, September 6, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

I try to keep things reasonably light around here because nobody likes someone who focuses on the negative.  Actually, that's not true.  We have a love/hate relationship with that type of person.  Negative people fall into one of two groups, comedians (who we love), and everybody else (who we hate).  Today, however, I get to take a break from being positive.

It's not very often that I rant in public spaces (aside from letters to the editor of small down papers), but I'm going to rant a bit for you. 

I have two major pet peeves, but I'm only going to comment on one of them today.  There are few things worse in the world than a crappy driver.  Of course, living in the Detroit area, I'm rather screwed when it comes to avoiding them.  It's almost impossible to put together a flowing, coherent post that covers all of the idiotic things people do while driving, so I'm just going to list and elaborate.

1.)  Merging.  There's a sign that's in common usage in the US.  I have a feeling that there are similar versions across the world.  That sign looks like this:
Do you know what this sign means?  It means that the right lane is ending, so get your stupid arse over into the left lane.  It does not mean "oh, I should floor it, and then nearly kill myself and the people in two other vehicles when I pull into the other lane without signaling or checking my blind spot because I absolutely have to be a half dozen cars further ahead."  If you refuse to obey this sign, it's not my job to let you in, so when you try to cut me off and I don't let you, you don't get to yell and curse at me because I didn't let you in.  I didn't run you off of the road.  You ran yourself off of it.  It's not my job to let you in, it's your job to merge, motherfraker.

2.)  Tailgating.  Tailgating is not just something that people who don't have tickets to football games do, it's a crime.

Mythbusters has proven that riding my arse on the road doesn't get you significantly better gas mileage.  I don't care if you're late.  A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.  If I'm on a freeway and already going 5 over, back the frak off.  When you see my brake lights go on for just a moment, it means that if you try that shit again, I'll slam on my brakes and sue your inbred arse.  If you want to drive at an unsafe speed and get yourself killed, more power to you.  However, don't cry like a little baby when I don't speed up just because you think you're a NASCAR driver.

3.)  Parking.  Every car gets one spot to park in.  How fraking hard is that to understand.  Park between the lines, dipshit.  

Shit like this is unacceptable.  I don't care how much in a hurry you're in, or who you think you are, you get one fraking spot.  If you pull shit like this and park in my spot as well as your own, I'm not responsible for any damage that your vehicle incurs because you park your car like a blind person.
Your car is not nice enough to take up two spots, especially if you drive a Ferrari and are stupid enough to buy the convertible version.  I can deal with your thinking that your car is the shit and taking up two spots if you do it out in the middle of fraking nowhere and aren't in anybody's way.  Seriously though, if you can afford a Ferrari, you can afford a damn GPS to guide you to the center of a parking spot.

There is, however, one exception to the parking rule.  If you have a long trailer behind your truck or a bus sized motorhome, you're allowed to do a pull through and take up two spots.  There's nothing you can do about that.  However, 99% of you twat waffles need to learn how to park. 

Remember people, driving is not a right.  It's a privilege.  If I could do a better job at driving when I was six years old than you can now, you should just give up and buy your arse a bus pass.  The moral of the story is this: stay in your own damn lane, hang up the fraking phone, stop texting your bff, and drive.  If you don't, get in a wreck, and die, I will say "looks like natural selection is at work" and have a good laugh.



  1. So I totally appreciate your hate for shitty drivers and mostly share the sentiment. However, very little irritates me more than people driving the speed limit or below it in the left lane of a multi-lane highway. Firstly, there are reasons we have more than one lane, and one of those reasons is so that people who want to drive slowly can get the fuck out of the way of people who want to drive faster. In fact, in Germany, it is actually illegal to be in the way of another vehicle in the left lane. If someone is trying to pass you, and you block them, you can get a hefty ticket (more so, if you cause an accident, you will be at fault, even if you are rear-ended). Likewise, passing on the right is even more illegal, and both of these things are enforced. And my oh my, people drive in the lane they belong in. Imagine that!

    Also, slamming on your brakes to inform someone that they are being a douche is not being any less of a douche, and if anything, is more dangerous than tailgating.

  2. I can't really say that I totally agree with you.

    The thing about the speed limit is that it's a /limit/. It is not a minimum, nor is it a target. If you want to speed, that's fine, but recognize that you're the one breaking the law, not the person who's driving the speed limit. That being said, there is a point at which your slow speed becomes a hazard to others on the road. This is why on most freeways you'll see three signs : Speed Limit 70, Trucks 65, Minimum 55.

    Yes, people driving more slowly than the rest of traffic in the left lane can, indeed, be very frustrating. However, whether or not you can reasonably fault them for it depends entirely upon the local laws. If there's no law requiring slower vehicles to be in the right lane, then they can legally drive the speed limit (and slower) in whatever lane they damn well feel like. Again, when you're the one who is breaking the law, it's your job to get around, not their job to move out of your way.

    Also, how would you recommend getting somebody to stop using your bumper to polish their chrome? Some nails welded together to make spikes? How about an oil slick? Perhaps a smoke screen is more your style? Do you have a big LED sign in your back window that you can turn on which reads "Hey jerkoff, back the hell up"?