Monday, February 13, 2012

Basic Principles for a Successful Relationship: Part 5

Almost two months ago, I promised a five part series about some very basic principles that anybody can use to increase the likelihood of success in any relationship.  Since I started this series, I learned a very important lesson.  When you come up with an idea for a multi-part series, write them all before posting any of them.

Since I last posted, I've been busy.  When I haven't been busy, I haven't had the energy to write this post.  But, mostly, I think that this post took so long because the last basic principle that I have to share with you is so simple to understand, yet very difficult to implement.  I can't give you a shortcut, a trick, or anything to make this principle easier.  All that I can do is state it and explain it.  There's not very much of a post in that.  However, after much deliberation, I decided to just go ahead and do it.  So, if you have a question, want more detail, or doubt this, feel free to comment on this post.  Here it goes, very basic principle number five that most dating and relationship advisers will charge you obscene amounts of money for:

In the end, there is very little that can be done to change the course of a relationship.

In the past, I've had people challenge me on this principle and say that it's simply "fate".  I don't like the idea of fate.  Fate means that you and I have no input in the system, which isn't true.  If everything was left to fate, than there's no point in trying to improve your dating and relationship skills, because it's all going to happen no matter what you do.

To me, this principle can be restated as "In the end, you are but one part of the relationship".  If you're jealous of another guy spending time alone with your girlfriend, don't be.  If she cheats on you with another guy, chances are that the relationship wasn't going to work out anyway.  Chances are, that she would probably have cheated on you anyway.  Really, that guy did you a favor by letting you know that the relationship wouldn't work out.

I've previously mentioned this bad break up that I had in college.  After years to digest and look back at it, it was doomed from the start.  We simply weren't right for one another in the long term and no amount of hoping, trying, changing my being, etc. would change that.  This is what the last principle is about.  It's about accepting that some things are out of your control and that worrying about them is not only counter productive, but it's destructive.